CATEGORY: METZGER

My dearest Doctor Tuchler
Take off your starched white buckler
And listen to what I have to say.
You are such a dandy dentist, see,
That could I your apprentice be,
I’d make these delightful changes in your day.

Just as sure as rocks are boulders
I’d make patients without shoulders
To jab you in the stomach when you’re working
And in every oral cavity
Lights’d pop on automatically
To show where all the cavities are lurking.

And I know it would delight you
If the patients could not bite you,
So here’s a little gadget I’m installing
A spring lock from a card table
Made this prop, and it is able
To snap open at your beck and calling.

From this day forward and forever
Each patient shall have a lever
Which when gently pressed upon by you,
Why, down will come the jaw kerflap
So you can hold it in your lap
Thereby seeing without mirrors what to do.

Yes, so much easier to see in full view upon your knee
And also the top jaw I will fit
With rare hinges made in Dover
That unfold, pull out, turn over
So that jaw will on the patients forehead sit.

Too, the nose you’ll surely say
Is always getting in the way
So a retractable proboscis now appears,
And for those with halitosis,
We can, without moroseness
Cause such a one to exhale through his ears.

For those deadbeats who are late
Or for those who miss the date,
Well, no more will you have to sit and seethe;
To get each patient back
There’s a new magnetic track
That draws them by the fillings in there teethe.

Now I hope it does not bore you
When I show how I adore you
These gifts are the proof of my affection.
If you think someone might mock it
Then just keep this in your pocket
And it will undoubtedly escape detection.

Your hesitant patient,  
Jean Knudsen